A Million Dollars

Original Post: July 9, 2007

If you had a million dollars, would it affect who you chose to spend the rest of your life with? Would you still lay your head down with the same lover? Imagine vacations in far-away lands, resting on a hammock together, giggling over tourists in big glasses and funny hats? Would you be growing old with the same person you are ticking away your time with now? Rocking on chairs on the front porch of a big yellow house, holding hands and still playing together as if there were no end in sight? If you had a million dollars, would it change the love of your life? Perhaps you would sacrifice a million dollars to find that kind of love? How fine is the line between sacrifice, settling, solitude and serenity?

My neighborhood

Original Post: July 6, 2007

In my neighborhood, I have a llama- who I call Frank. Two roof dogs. That is, dogs who live on the roof of a house. Two roosters. Chickens. Either one very mobile and ubiquitous black and white cat named Denise or a LOT of black and white cats that are the spawn of one very wanton black and white cat named Denise. Too many stray dogs, that may or may not be very pleasant but when approached by my dog-hater of a dog, become ferocious, bloodthirsty beasts. A gopher turtle named Spike. And an otter...whom I call Maurice...but he prefers Otis...because otters, I think, enjoy alliteration. I almost forgot -- the duck family! White ducks - red bills. Fraufalaushe, PigPen and Mr. & Mrs. Duck. They would have been so offended if I hadn't mentioned them. And one VERY obnoxious woodpecker...who I wouldn't miss if he opted to move.

To all the men I've loved before...

Original Post: July 5, 2007

Notes to my ex-boyfriends...in no particular order:

A mustang with 'thump in the trunk' does NOT make you look cool

Believe it or not, there is such a thing as too much romance—we women like to call it sappiness, , smothering or just plain 'going overboard'

I'm not comparing you to other guys, but yes, I've been hurt before, so no, I don't trust you fully – and no, you are not allowed to hold it against me because you always say "women always ___________" fill in the blank – so your ass does it too

Insulting girls (including me) in front of your friends – makes you look like LESS of a man, not more of one

No, I DON'T expect you to read my mind – I just expect you to have common sense

Yes, moot IS a word you dolt, look it up

I'm not quite so certain you understand how to use the word "soulmate" correctly in a sentence...

Yes, I DID have a crush on the guy from "Steak Escape"


Just make the effort to fit in with my friends – you don't have to like them – but can you give them the chance?

Screwing around behind my back because you can't bear the thought of breaking up with me and losing me is NOT the compliment you think it is

No – that "thing you do" is NOT as impressive as you think it is

Yes – as a matter of fact – I HAVE had better

If I decide to spend the night out with my friends instead of hanging out with you, it does NOT mean I no longer care about you

Crying is NOT my way of putting you on a guilt trip – in fact – it pisses me off that I'm crying probably more than it pisses you off

The only couples who agree on everything live in Stepford – if someone is happy all the time – they are faking it…and bitching to their girlfriends about you behind your back

Ummm...actually...I WILL get over you, thanks.

The Great Debate

Original Post: June 30, 2007

I do not enjoy discussing politics. I am stubborn and I firmly believe there are two sides to every story. Here is my one and only political post. Here are my thoughts and views on politics and the debate about global warming. Everyone with a firm political belief thinks they are right. Die-hard Republicans. Die-hard Democrats. Die-hard Communists. Die-hard Anybodies. Pro-Global Warmers. Anti-Global Warmers. The thing is...I will be on the opposite side of anyone who is adamant that their side is right...why, you ask??? Because I am a Devil's Advocate. Because as vehemently as you believe you are right - there is someone on the other side that believes they are. Because as much science as you can pull out saying that Global Warming is caused by Hummers and hairspray, someone else can pull out as much saying that it ISN'T. Until there is NO scientific debate...then I will agree with you. For instance - republicans and democrats do not argue over whether or not the Earth is flat. Years ago - this was hotly contested...as hotly contested, in fact, as global warming is now. People were mocked, there were arguments...factions were made -- then science was debunked. Now -- no more fighting. Earth - one big circle of fun. Until everyone gets on the same bandwagon - I'm not going to support anyone saying "I'm right - you're wrong" cuz frankly Charlie, you DON'T know! I am not acquainted with any brilliant schooled scientists who I have THAT much faith in -- most people I know are just normal yahoos who get their info from biased right or left wing news programs or radio, or God help us, the internet....and for every 57 articles supporting their theory, you can pull 57 articles supporting the other side. People have passion for their cause. I respect that. People have anger for people who don't support their cause. I respect that, too. I just think that it is a tad narrow-minded to believe that your belief is the only acceptable one. I mean, sure, you can believe it is BETTER, but can you really believe it is the ONLY one that is valid?? Do you really think that the "other side" doesn't want the best for America? That they are out to "destroy the planet"? I mean...this isn't an evil science-fiction movie...no matter which side you are on, of COURSE they have their own agenda...it is politics, but they do have the greater picture in mind. Anyway, that's my opinion...love it or hate it...it doesn't matter to me one way or the other...I'm just sick to my eyeballs with those that can't see past their own front yard.

Out of Service

Original Post: June 28, 2007

I'm sorry - the user you are attempting to contact is currently unavailable. It appears the hardware for this unit has been broken beyond repair. Please try again later.

Fault Lines

Original Post: June 26, 2007

I laugh when you say you know me so well - I am a mystery to myself. Full of love, jaded beyond words. Funny, caustic. Caring and cold. Open book - walled heart. I am a walking disaster...waiting for you to build your house on the shaky ground that is my life. I don't laugh at your jokes-I laugh that you think you are making me warm to you. You think I am running to you with open arms and a wide smile but it is only those that come and lay on the floor beside me and taste the river that is my tears and feel the floor shake that will ever understand...they are my friends...they are my family...they love me, they hate me, they know me - better than I know myself. They know when my laughter is a sob when my smile is a knife...they see me walking into fire and try to pull me out...it is in the trying that I love them. It is in my failing that I know they still love me. I am a walking earthquake. My friends are the sturdy doorframes of my life...

The Rules for Being Human

Original Post: June 21, 2007

I stole this from the blog of a person I don't know...but I loved it...so here it is. Rule #4 makes me realize why my life has been one long string of deja vu....

When you were born, you didn't come with an owner's manual; these guidelines make life work better.

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's the only thing you are sure to keep for the rest of your life.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called "Life on Planet Earth". Every person or incident is the Universal Teacher.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of experimentation. "Failures" are as much a part of the process as "success."
4. A lesson is repeated until learned. It is presented to you in various forms until you learn it -- then you can go on to the next lesson.
5. If you don't learn easy lessons, they get harder. External problems are a precise reflection of your internal state. When you clear inner obstructions, your outside world changes. Pain is how the universe gets your attention.
6. You will know you've learned a lesson when your actions change. Wisdom is practice. A little of something is better than a lot of nothing.
7. "There" is no better than "here". When your "there" becomes a "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that again looks better than "here."
8. Others are only mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another unless it reflects something you love or hate in yourself.
9. Your life is up to you. Life provides the canvas; you do the painting. Take charge of your life -- or someone else will.
10. You always get what you want. Your subconscious rightfully determines what energies, experiences, and people you attract -- therefore, the only foolproof way to know what you want is to see what you have. There are no victims, only students.
11. There is no right or wrong, but there are consequences. Moralizing doesn't help. Judgments only hold the patterns in place. Just do your best.
12. Your answers lie inside you. Children need guidance from others; as we mature, we trust our hearts, where the Laws of Spirit are written. You know more than you have heard or read or been told. All you need to do is to look, listen, and trust.
13. You will forget all this.
14. You can remember any time you wish.

(From the book "If Life is a Game, These are the Rules" by Cherie Carter-Scott)

Summer Skin

Original Post: June 16, 2007

He loved her because her skin smelled like the beach. Sandy and salty and cocoa butter and full of ocean breezes and for the rest of his life every summer when a breeze would blow the ocean winds his way he couldn't help but think of her.

Hazel

Original Post: June 16, 2007

Have you ever looked in someone's eyes and felt you fell into their soul and then blinked and realized you were staring into the face of a stranger?

Attempt to hold in your pee...

Original Post: June 7, 2007

I have found heaven and it is funnyordie.com

Tempest

Original Post: May 30, 2007

To you, she is stillness.
A calm tide washing upon the shore.
She is the softness of new snow;
She is the shyness of a child.

Only a few can see.
She is a wild fire, waiting for the wind.
She is a scream, biding its time until the parting of lips.
She is a tempest looming on a red horizon.

Only the lucky can catch a glimpse...
in the tilt of her head-
In the whisper of her laugh-
In the stirring of her eyes-
They, only they, can see her passion.

Butterflies & Shadows

Original Post: May 23, 2007

The impact took her by surprise…but then she wished she could laugh at how trite that seemed…of course it was a surprise…who expects that? As she closed her eyes she noticed the all-consuming silence. 'They are right,' she thought to herself, 'time does slow down.' When she opened her eyes she thought she saw her shadow dancing out of her line of sight and she couldn't help but wonder who it was that chased his shadow? Her memories burst from her like a basket of butterflies being released and her head lolled to the side as she watched them float away…the smell of her father when he came home from work filled her every pore as a butterfly drifted past her face – sweat and grease and gasoline…but maybe that was from the car? The feeling of her mom's hair tickled her cheek and her neck as if she were on her lap being rocked to sleep…she could feel it as if the hair were trickling down her cheeks. She could hear the low murmur of her grandmother singing to her…silently lulling her to sleep. She could feel her chest burning with each step of the summer races between her brother and she as they raced to "home base" in the backyard. She wished for a net so she could capture the brightly colored butterflies and put them back where they belonged as she feared she would never be able to corral them again. Her eyes opened and she looked to the side, again amazed at how time moved in slow motion… and then her mind burst with things she would never have. A baby crying for the first time and the hand of her husband on her back when they danced at her wedding, the creak of a rocking chair on the front porch while she watched her grandchildren play…she was desperate to catch the butterflies – certain that this would ensure a solid future – but her eyes could no longer see where they went. She saw her shadow again, just out of her line of sight and she let out a laugh and closed her eyes and breathed "Peter Pan-that was his name."

Unrest

Original Post: May 19, 2007

I am sure I can still feel the warm spot where you lay next to me as if you have just moved from the bed...my friends tell me I'm "crazy," "sensitive," "dramatic," "still healing." Perhaps they are right - or perhaps it is a matter of science...your side is closer to the window - maybe the sun warms it during the day and it keeps it warmer at night. Maybe the blankets have shifted more weight to make them more heavy on that side...be that as it may, at night, in the hazy state between sleep and wake, when my foot drifts over to your side of the bed and finds that warmth, my body relaxes. It's as if my mind is quieted by the fact that in that late night/early morning stupor something has said "he's just gotten up to go to the bathroom, he'll be right back" and I can drop off into a deep, restful serene sleep that I don't find if I can't find on the nights I don't feel your presence.
My friends tell me I'll move on and I'll find someone new...I want to laugh at them until I eventually hear the words come out of my mouth...as if they are being forced out, slowly and unwillingly by every organ in my body - they are stumbling like a child trying to climb boulders - "I'm ready to move on." I laugh after I say them knowing that nothing could be further from true.
My foot finds the warmth of where your body has just left and I roll towards the empty spot in my foggy hazy and my mind drifts to rest. My insides come to peace as I realize that you'll be right back beside me and I begin again to fall into that heavy sleep that comes from knowing I am safe - that we are safe. "Are you ok, babe?" says a voice that isn't yours...and I manage to feign an incoherent groan of sleep and roll over from your side of the bed as my insides jolt awake and again begin the unrest and unsettled movement that has been life without you.

Head Shaving

Original Post: February 17, 2007

I just saw Britney's new 'do'...or 'non-do' if you will...I can tell you that no matter how crazy I currently am, I will not shave my head. I have done many things after a break up. Almost every female I know has colored and cut their hair after a break-up. I have, in no particular order:

colored my hair
cut my hair
permed my hair
gotten a tattoo
gotten my belly pierced
gotten my belly pierced again
started working out
stopped working out
shopped
a lot
gone on a wild druken rampage
drunk dialed
drunk texted
recycled
broken things
lots of things
gotten my belly pierced 2 more times (there was the taking out of belly rings between all of these piercings)

and I'm sure lots of other things that only my nearest and dearest can remember as I was delusional with heartbreak--however, i can honestly say i have never once considered shaving my head. I have wanted to shrivel up and die. I've stayed on my couch refusing to eat and shower for way longer than is hygenic...but still, never once have I thought of going the Sinade O'Conner route. What, on this green and lovley Earth, can Britney be thinking? I realize she is in a drug induced haze, but somewhere, through the cloud of perscription medication and booze, can she not see her DAMN FACE??? And for the love of all that is holy and good, does this woman not have girlfriends that would grab those clippers from her hands and say "are you out of your fucking mind???" cuz i know my friends would slap me in the face before they would let me look that bad. Do her friends hate her that much. She has so much to evaluate. I feel just awful for her.
I would like to thank Adam B for inspiring me to write this blog...he does not know me, but I have not blogged in a long time and I just read his and it prompted me to write this one. So thanks.
Oh...and for your useless fact--did you know that...ummm...how about that relationships suck big gigantic things of suckiness.

Anti-American Sporting Rant

Original Post: November 8, 2006

I'd like to take a moment to address a frustration--a sporting frustration. It's about cricket. Are you familiar with cricket? I am assuming as most of my readers are from the states, that you are not. It is for the best--please, remain blissfully unaware. It is the most inane activity I have ever seen. I'm actually convinced it is a sham--something other countries have come up with in order to mock the US. As in "can you believe that those dumb Americans think we actually play this game? Let's see how long we can get them to watch this for." Did you know there are cricket matches that go on for DAYS. I'm not kidding people...DAYS. ONE GAME! Not like "march madness" where it's a few weeks of intense competition in a play-off situation. I'm talking ONE F-ING GAME--the SAME F-ING PLAYERS--the SAME F-ING MATCH. And what kind of game can have a score of 135-7??? That has got to be a joke. And do not even get me started on the outfits.
The real travesty. The real outrage. The real sick thing about it. They have fantasy cricket. Yeah, I wish I were kidding.
PS. I do enjoy the word wicket
§ A opossum can only run 7 miles an hour and has more teeth than any other terrestrial mammal. The male opossum has a forked penis. They don't actually hang by their tales (which I find to be terribly disappointing) and they have an opposable thumb on their back foot.

Blogorexia Nervosia & Binge Blogging

Original Post: November 5, 2006

My apologies for posting three, count them THREE, new blogs yesterday. That is a lot. That is a gratuitous amount of blogging. That is an ostentatious display of arrogance on my part. I have a disorder.

The problem is, well frankly, dear reader, the problem is your fault. I was on a roll, then I realized you were out there…with your judging eyes: "What will she post next? Will it be funny? Will it be more sappy heartbreak stuff? Dose she have any talent? Will they get back together? Has she lost her mind? Who does she think she is—vain beyotch—thinking we want to read this?" So then I got a case of bloggers block. I went off blogging. I had nothing to write. Nothing to offer. Then I said "Ah, bump this!" and I picked up the proverbial pen (or, if you aren't into imagery and prefer the literal, I sat my little buns down at my laptop—but I prefer the former, it's more romantic) and I was off like a Duke from a Coltrane. click here if you don't get this referance

I've decided to ease the guilt and nerves I have from picturing you reading this and then taking nothing away from it by adding some useful trivia or thought-provoking quote at the end of each posting so that if you hate them or find them to be a flagrant waste of your time, you still take away SOMETHING from each one. *Please note—this is a flagrant rip-off from my friend Ryan who did this on a bulletin he recently sent out and I thought to myself "Self, that is a very witty and clever idea. How can I steal that and use it to my benefit." So, here I am…I am going to do that until I get bored with it or forget about it…which with my mood swings and my lack of any memory skills could be in about 6 minutes….but I digress.

The point WAS that I apologize for verbally purging all over you yesterday with not one, not two, but THREE useless, valueless and meaningless ramblings. In the future I will try to curb my disorder. I've looked into 12 step programs…unfortunately when I googled it yesterday it only led to more blogging sites and I signed myself up another blog account. I'd like to say I'm joking and added that line for comedic enhancement to the story…but I didn't. True story.

§ The longest running endorsement contract is Bill Cosby with Jell-O. *See, now don't you feel better about having spent your time here??

These surveys give me a rash

Original Post: November 4, 2006

What is it with you people and the myspace surveys? I do not CARE if you like chocolate more than vanilla! If you like winter more than summer, well, frankly, I don't know how you made it onto my friends list--we obviously have nothing in common as I can't stand it below 80. These things are insane...in the sake of sportsmanship however, I will participate. I thought of filling out EVERY DAMN ONE of the surveys I have received and posting it on this blog...but then I realized that I have to work on Monday and I won't have time to finish. So here it goes...the first, and last, myspace survey on my page:

AHEM--

A Survey
My ex was ...
1.liar, cheater, manipulator 2. smart, sensitive, thoughful (currently single--ladies--call me, i will fix you up) 3. liar, cheater, anti-social, selfish and accented 4. the love of my life (*please note--those are in order of ex-boyfriends-not traits describing one ex)Maybe I should ...find a cure for cancer. or eat breakfast.I love ...twinkies. my dog. funny noises. the smell of new shower curtains. the ocean. (this list could go on and on. i mean, shouldn't that put some sort of qualifier on here???)

I don't understand
...these fucking random vague questions. math. men. foreign languages. how to assemble a car engine. why i am filling this out. certainly why you are torturing yourself by reading it.

I lost my...
virginity seems the most obvious answer. mind. soulmate. marbles. other sock. faith in humanity.

People would say that I'm ...
witty. bitchy. funny. sensitive. insecure. smart. stupid. sassy. crazy. sane. responsible. wild. guess it depends on who you ask.

Love is ...
confusing. warm. fuzzy. projectile-vomit inducing. great when it is there--not so great when it is not. love is a fire, the question is, will it warm your hearth or burn down your house? some famous quote from some chick i don't remember...

Somewhere, someone is ...
god, these get more and more stupid, don't they?

I will always ...
regret filling out this survey

Forever is ...
about how long it takes to fill out this survey. "forever is a mighty long time" Prince

I never want to ....
be stabbed in the eye with an ice pick

I think the current President ...
has a really hard job that i would never want to do

When I wake up in the morning ...
I wish my dog would learn to use the toilet

Life is full of ...
endless possiblity

My past has been an incredible . . .
string of events that brought me to this second in time

I get annoyed when ...
we do NOT have time for this question

I wish ...
i may, i wish i might, have the wish i wish tonight..

My dog is...
the most adorable, obnoxious, loveable shitbag you have ever seen

My cat ...
is a BITCH who I love but merely tolerates the presence of any of the rest of us

Kisses are the worst when ...
they mean goodbye

Tommorrow I'm going to ...
try

I really want ...
to believe

I have low tolerance for people who ...d
on't know how to eat out in public

If I had a million dollars...
i would buy you a car.

Trust

Original Post: November 4, 2006

How can something so intangible be so fundamental to everything? Relationships are ripped apart from it, families are feuding, friendships are ended, wars are waged--over this vague notion of trust. What IS it? I can't even describe it--but I know when it is gone. The empty feeling in your belly--the seize in your chest--the welling in your eyes...not just from broken hearts--that we recover from, it is the burn of your pride being slapped. That you've had faith in someone and they have made a mockery of your faith. The humiliation of being proven wrong--that you trusted carelessly.
The question is--what happens when someone tries to regain that trust? Can a country ever trust an ally that's betrayed them? Will you ever fully welcome that family member back into your heart? Will that friend ever share the closeness they shared with you before? Will that lover ever win that faith they had? I don't know if it is possible. I liken it to the notion of 'phantom pains.' My grandfather lost his leg--and for the years that followed, he would still get aches in the limb that wasn't there. That is what the loss of trust is. A dull ache in a place you can't place, a place you can't find--it comes out of nowhere--after you have resigned yourself to the fact that you can move on, you can accept that person back into your life...but then it resurfaces...the phantom notion of "what if" and you just wonder if it will ever totally go away.

Who ARE you crazy people??

Original Post: October 29, 2006

I find this blog writing to be strangely cathartic. I don't know why...I just do. What I find bizarre is that there are people that READ this nonsense. Who ARE you??? I mean, is it you--my poor, dear, friends??? If so, please, please, please do not feel obligated in any way shape or form to read my inane ramblings! I am merely sitting here writing to a) avoid cleaning my house b) to avoid paying my bills c) because there is nothing good on tv and I've watched everything I have tivoed and d) well...frankly, as most of you who know me well enough know...to avoid calling/texting/emailing "the ex" ...so PLEASE...do not torture yourself out of some feeling of obligation "Oh GOD, Amy posted another damn blog..." It tells me how many people read it and I can't help but be amazed as the number increases--and also, frankly, mortified...I feel like perhaps I should take a writing class...or edit what I am saying...(and possibly erase the first posting on here)...mostly though...I'm just wondering...who the hell are you? Just random myspacers trolling through the myspace world dropping into peoples sites and saying "wonder what this is about"? That is even more bizarre than thinking it is my friends reading this drivel! God, what if my MOM is reading this? The possibilities are endless and if I continue to think about it, I'll stop posting blogs--and if I stop posting blogs--I'll run out of constructive activities, which will take me back to either calling any number of ex-boyfriends or...well, refer to blog #1. So I'm just going to end this here and continue blogging. But seriously...who the fuck are you people????????

Kinky Friedman says:

Original Post: October 27, 2006

"You need to see a shrink." "But I AM seeing a shrink." "Tell him you want your money back."
"Money may buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail."
"As they say in snorkeling, 'don't hold your breath.'"
"In six days the Lord created the heavens and the earth and all the wonders therein. There are some of us who feel that He might have taken just a little more time."
"But if you're paranoid long enough, sooner or later you're gonna be right."
"Golf is the only opportunity that middle-aged Wasps have to dress up like a pimp."
"Sleep came slower than a frigid woman

An Introduction

Original Post: October 25, 2006

I'd like to introduce you to someone. She's such a lovely girl. Everyone who meets her just loves her. She's so funny and sweet--she's a blast to be around. Let me introduce you--you'll just love her--she'll crack you up...just let me find her.
There I am--she pointed--I'm right there. Can you see me? I'm getting out of bed, going to work, smiling, talking on the phone. I'm with my friends, I'm going to dinner, I'm toasting marshmellows, laughing, going out for drinks--look--there I am at a party, at a Bucs game, drinking beer, having Mexican, I'm out dancing, God--did I just giggle? I'm touching, kissing, breathing...
Can you see me? No...not there, not that part of me...Here--floating above all of that--watching the shell of myself--How can you not tell that's not really me? How can you not tell the laugh is hollow? That my eyes are vacant? That my kiss is empty? Why hasn't anyone taken me by the shoulders and shaken the life back into me? Why hasn't anyone resolved to snap me back into the cavern that I call my body and force me to stop laughing? Is it possible that they haven't noticed...am I that good at faking it? Have I been doing it that long that no one can find me? Or is it that everyone else is trying so hard to go unnoticed as well--are they merely empty shells with painfully bright smiles too? Does their laughter echo through their hollow chests so hard it hurts? Wouldn't it be a shame if that were the case and I didn't notice?
She is such a lovely girl. She is very funny and so full of life. Don't you love her? Her smile is so cute, isn't it? Her laugh cracks me up--I love when she laughs like that--don't you? She is just a blast to be around...

There are three things you don't know about me...

Original post: October 21, 2006

Oh come on...did you REALLY think I was going to spill them??? ;)

Broken Pieces

Original Post: October 20, 2006

When I "came of age" as a young girl, my parents presented me with a gift. "This," they said, "is your heart." It was a beautiful gilded piece of china. "You must be careful with it. You must treasure it. The most important thing to know, is you MUST be careful who you give it to...not everyone will be gentle with it and guard it like they should..." They looked at me witih such intensity and such seriousness that I was certain this was an important life lesson I was learning.
I did exactly as I was told. I did not let my heart out of my sight. I began to see, as I got older, that not everyone took the lesson as seriously as I had. Girls were tossing their hearts around left and right. In retrospect, I see that these girls became adept at handling thier hearts. They could throw them in the air and catch them with ease. They could toss them in the schoolyard with boys and, I think (maybe because they were young when they started and so were shorter to the ground--or because their hands were smaller??) any fumbles or slips, were retrieved with little scuffs and minor scratches. I, on the other hand, heeded my parents advice and hid my heart away from others touch.
One day I finally relented. I gave away my heart. I thought long and hard about it...after all, it was a big decision. Unfortunately, I had not had any practice at that time in...well...the "china trade." It was not long before he let my heart slip from his hands. It landed fairly roughly and suffered a chip--he apologized and cried and begged me to forgive him...but of course, it wasn't a question. "I gave you my heart," I stared in confusion, "I don't know why you would hurt it...but it is yours...I HAVE to forgive you." And I did. Again. And Again. And Again. By the time I learned that my heart was MINE...and when I give it away, it is really on a "loan only" basis...it was in pretty rough shape. There were so many chips out of it..and a crack through the middle...but it was salvageable.
Through the years I have been reluctant to give my heart away--it is in such ugly shape--who would want it? Plus, I know it will just get broken so much more...and I have been right--I have given it away again, and it has been damaged more...some times worse than others...The last time (what I thought was the last time) I had gotten it back, it was beyond repair. It was in fragments that I had to patch together, with glue and tape...pieces were missing that I had never been able to replace, there were many chips and the beautiful guilded edges were worn beyond recognition. The important thing was that I finally had it back, for what I thought was the last time, and I built a wall around it to protect it from--well, mostly from myself--from giving it away, from letting anyone else get to it.
Of course, life does not follow the plan you intend for it---and someone got through the wall (in my defense, he REALLY had to work at it). He was gentle with my heart and didn't mind how broken and ugly it was--or even that there were pieces that were missing that I was never able to reclaim. I finally felt that sense of relief and calm that I felt when I was first given my heart in the beginning...that it was safe. That someone was taking care of it, in a way that even I hadn't been able to. But one day, I moved too quickly...I was laughing too hard and smiling too wide and I turned too quickly to try and catch the twinkle in my eye and I forgot that I was supposed to keep some kind of eye on my heart as well...and that's when it happened...I am not sure if I felt the crash first or if I heard it...but it was so loud that it echoed silence. I felt it in the hollow of my chest...an emptiness that was not there any of the other times. "Where are the pieces of my heart?" I asked. "I am supposed to collect them from you when this happens." I said through a dull shock...but I looked around and the china had just been so fragile by that point...there just seemed to be nothing left--there was hardly anything to start with--all that remained was fine china dust with hints of gold tint. I could barely sweep the remains--it was like catching the dust you see streaming through the window in the summer sunshine. I wonder how I'd begin to give my heart away again? I laugh even thinking about it...even if the desire were there--I'd go to put it into some poor man's hand and my nervous breath would blow what was left into the air like spreading dandalion seeds...there would be nothing left to give. China...you can only break it into so many pieces before it is too hard to repair or too inconsequential to matter...

Strangers

Original Post: October 19, 2006

How odd is it that you can spend so much time with someone...a lover, a friend, even a family member...then that time comes to an abrupt end--a break-up, a falling-out, a family rift--and you see in them things you had never seen before. You ask yourself: Who ARE you? What the hell happened to you? I mean, this is a person you cherished. You would have laid down your life for them without hesitation. Who you laughed with and cried with and were best with in quiet times...and you felt your most safe with...and then the "after" comes along and they do something so--mean, so hurtful, so out-of-character, or seemingly spiteful or off-the-wall of everything they had claimed to stand for and you question "did I ever know you at all?" Were they just being who they thought you wanted them to be? Not only have they become a stranger, at this point they are that type of stranger that when you encounter them alone on the street, you hold your purse a little tighter and your steps quicken because you get that unease in your mind telling you that this is not a good situation...how did that happen when it seems that mere seconds ago this was the only person in the world who knew who you were with every breath you exhaled?

Joy Riding

Original Post: October 16, 2006

So...I drop my car at a valet parking place near the airport...not at the airport mind you...just near the airport--a little cheaper cuz money happens to be a little tight lately (insert the 'you get what you pay for' cliche here).
When I return from my journey, I go to get into my lovely vehicle and notice some slight changes. Subtle at first...none that would really stand out--the seat is pushed all the way back--that is fine, he could have just done that so that he could pull it up to the front of the lot...but then I realize, the seat is actually also adjusted to be TILTED back...you know, seat back, one-hand-on-the-wheel...cruisin' style...ODD..does one need to be reclining in that much comfort to drive my car from the back of the lot to the front? Then I note that my sunroof is pulled all the way shut. I have a sliding dark cover that I always leave open so the glass is exposed so the light streams in...perhaps they just were afraid the sun may bleach my seats? Courteous...maybe. Then I turn my car on. Radio is set to country. Loud, COUNTRY country...not even pop-country that if I were feeling particularly-meloncholy I may listen to...we're talking achy-breaky heart country. Ok, said momma bear, someone has been sleepin' in my Hyuandai Elantra. I mean...someone could NOT have taken my car from the lot and DRIVEN it...I drive a beat up Elantra. It has not one, but TWO Tinkerbell stickers. It has a Chili's antenna topper. It is currently broken so that TWO of the windows have duct tape holding them closed...my ride is not what one would call "pimped." Why would someone take it??? Nonetheless, as I was driving home, I realized, I did not have enough gas to make the trip back...I was certain I had almost 1/4 tank when I went to the airport....Strange...